The Evil Queen with PMS
by evanora1
Summary: FTL. Ever wonder what happens when a former evil queen suffers from PMS. Emma's about to find out.


_I need to remember to thank my mother for having those protection spells placed around her castle so no one can teleport inside …_ **INCLUDING US! **Emma thought to herself.

Hot and humid days made Regina angry … very angry. The kind of angry that bubbles inside your skin like someone's under there blowing glass … angrily.

She was gripping her reins with rather more vim than was necessary and muttering under her breath as she rode. Sweat glistened across her face, arms and back - and as anyone who habitually wears leather for a living will tell you, it is not the preferred fabric of summer. It rubs. It irritates. It expands and itches. It rubbed, irritated AND itched Regina. And the air smelled. And the horse smelled. And it was too bright. And the road was dusty and annoying, the trees were parched and annoying, it was STINKING HOT and annoying.

Emma knew better than to say ONE SINGLE WORD. Even one word could bring her under the spotlight of Regina's wrath. Sometimes she didn't even have to say anything at all. It was a crap shoot. Speak and be humbled? Remain silent and risk death?

Today, she chose silence.

"I'm gonna SLIDE off this horse soon," floated to the ex-sheriff's ears. "Like a frickin" greased pig, SLIDE!"

_Be quiet, Emma,_ the blonde cautioned herself.

"Stupid SUN, just cause no-one gives a rats' ass about it, what is this? What is this, some kind of STATEMENT?!"

_Be quiet, Emma._

"Is it possible for the human body to EXPLODE? Is it? Is it? IS IT? I bet it IS."

Without pausing for breath, the former queen's attention switched to her saddle bags, which she began to rummage about in with fiendish vigor. "No apples left, of COURSE, because SOMEBODY wanted to get to mommy's castle before we went shopping!"

The ex-sheriff sighed to herself. This was just like last month when they went to Granny's to celebrate Ruby's birthday. Regina had kneed several "personal-space" invaders in the groin, and tossed that big guy down three flights of stairs with just a flick of her wrist because she "didn't like his haircut."

_Wait a minute. Last month? _Suddenly suspicious, Emma did some quick arithmetic in her head. _25, 26, 27, 28 … Oh no … Oh, NO … _Fighting ogres and a former evil queen on her cycle, would the universe never stop conspiring against her? She imagined the various scenarios where she would die a horrible death by opening her mouth, so she didn't.

"And YOU" Regina screamed in Emma's direction.

_Uh-oh, targeted._

"Look at YOU! It's seventeen thousand degrees and you're just SPRINGTIME FRESH! Doesn't ANYTHING bother you?"

_Oh, yes indeed_. _But I value my eyes. _Emma kept that thought to herself.

Out loud, she said, "Regina, we can stop if you want."

"Oh really, dear! If I want! If I want!" spat Regina, flailing her hands around wildly. "So you make it all about me; that's great. So we stop, then we get there too late to stop the ogres, mommy's kingdom will be reduced to rubble, Snow and Charming will blame ME, and then who's happy, NOBODY, Emma, NOBODY."

_Oh great, she's going into rant mode. Take cover._

"I mean, if it isn't enough that I massage YOUR feet, now it has to be the HOTTEST day EVER in the history of the Enchanted Forest. GO FIGURE!"

Emma, who was unable to see the connection, chose the safe answer, "uh, sorry."

"What are you saying sorry for?" asked Regina dangerously. Her voice dropped to a hiss. "Are you humoring me? That's what you're doing, isn't it?"

Emma panicked. "_Sorry_."

"Don't you 'sorry' me!" fumed Regina. "Don't even talk to me when you're like this! Don't say ANYTHING!"

Emma stayed silent, kept riding, and fixed her gaze on the next turn in the road.

_By the time we turn that corner, she told herself, Regina's sanity will have returned. Just remember, 29 days out of the month, she is the sane, passionate woman you have come to know and love, so just shut your mouth and deal, woman._

"It's not like you can cook worth a damn ANYHOW." Having spat that out like a fireball, the former queen contented herself with muttering something else inaudible.

Emma cleared her throat uneasily. "Maybe you should-"

She had been going to say, "have a drink or something", but was cut off by a steely gaze.

"Emma, are you trying to tell me what to do?"

"No. No!" assured the ex-sheriff hurriedly. "I just thought you-"

"Emma Swan YOU are NOT the BOSS of ME!"

Too frightened to do anything but nod, the ex-sheriff did so emphatically. _Oh My God, she's gonna kill me! _

Regina reached across the narrow gap, seized Emma by the collar of her beloved red leather jacket and pulled her close enough to kiss, but no kiss was forthcoming. Instead, the brunette woman shriek, "ARE YOU GETTING THIS, PRINCESS?"

Emma's head bobbled up and down in misery and fear.

Very Cautiously, "Um, Regina?"

"Yes?" One simple word, multiple unspoken threats.

Emma fidgeted nervously as she reined her horse in, forcing Regina to stop her horse as well. "I think … _I_ think, that it's pretty hot."

A biting stare. "_Duh_."

"And I think that we should stop for a few hours."

Regina squinted into the sunlight at her lover. "This is your decision, right? Yours, not mine."

"Uh-huh."

"No blaming of me if we're late for the battle?"

"None at all."

"Okay!"

Suddenly and eerily cheerful, the former queen hopped off her horse and headed for the trees. "I found a shady nook, Emma," she called happily over her shoulder. "Although I don't understand why it's called a nook, really. What is a nook? Can something be nook-ish? Nook-like?"

"If you say so," answered Emma, mildly dizzy. _One body, multiple personalities. Who knew?_

All smiles, Regina stretched out and patted the ground beside her. "Come on, what are you waiting for?"

Your head to twist around. "Nothing." Emma replied.

"Well, sit down!" burbled the brunette cheerfully. "

"Emma, I'm really sorry for the way I've acted today. I don't know what's wrong with me lately." It's okay, Gina," reassured the thankful ex-sheriff. _She's back! Thank god!_

"No it's not!" wailed the former queen plaintively, her eyes filling with tears. "I love you so much!" The older woman said as she collapsed against lover in floods of tears.

Emma gaped and then recovered her senses. Disarmed by the words, she wrapped an arm around her girlfriend and stroked her hair as Regina sobbed heartily against her shoulder.

"I love you too, it's alright, sweetheart," she soothed.

"No, it isn't," mourned the former queen, her voice muffled by leather. "You're so g-good to me and I'm just a ho-horrible _biiiiiiiiitch_!" The wails doubled in volume and Emma rolled her eyes. _Queens!_

"Really, Regina, it's fine."

"N-no it isn't!"

"Yes it is," assured Emma patiently … _Freak._

"Isn't"

"Is"

"_ISN'T_, Emma!" shouted Regina furiously, sitting bolt upright and slapping the ex-sheriff sharply. "Stop trying to placate me!"

Slap!

"Ow! Regina-"

Slap, slap. "Leave me alone!" _Slap!_

"Fine" _Slap_! Frustrated, Emma jumped to her feet, evading the former queen's fingers with ease.

"Get away from me!" screeched the older woman madly.

"Fine … fine … FINE!" Emma screamed while walking away.

Regina stared, hand upraised, eyes wild. "WHERE IN FAIRYTALE LAND ARE YOU GOING?"

"Away! … From you! … _Right now_! … Regina, I could go and help stop my mother's kingdom from being decimated by OGRES or _gee_, I could stay here and be your punching bag while you try to decide which personality you are today. Oh, let's see, what should I do, what should I do …?"

The ex-sheriff broke off, sweating, breathing hard, and couldn't believe it when Regina started laughing.

"Emma, you're so cute when you're outraged … come here and give me a kiss?"

The ex-sheriff gaped. "You have GOT to be kidding me."

Regina convulsed with giggles. "Sorry … sorry … I'm sorry, it's just … you look so …" Her voice deepened, "… _you have GOT to be kidding me_," she mimicked with a dour, slapped-ass expression on her face, before grinning. "You're so cute, Emma. Come on, let's go save your mother's kingdom … AGAIN! This is getting to be a full time job."

Emma sat in silent awe as Regina hopped up happily, planted a kiss on the ex-sheriff's cheek with a resounding smack and clambered into her saddle, humming under her breath.

Emma thought,_ Is she allowed to just do that?_

"Hurry up, we don't want to be late!" chirped Regina, gathering the reins in her hands. "And it's such a nice day!"

Emma shrugged, drained. _Guess so._ She headed for horse. As she swung easily into the saddle she heard nine words that made her blood run cold.

"Emma, do these leather pants make me look fat?"

The End

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